=)

I'm still swinging monkeys though haha

(Taken from http://www.care2.com/greenliving/nine-questions-to-change-your-life.html all rights reserved under them? lol)

1. Do I take time for art, poetry, music, dance, or other creative expressions?

2. Am I fair in my relations with other species and other people?

3. Is my life free enough so that I feel chronically unstressed?

4. Am I able to make choices about my life?

5. Do I take full responsibility for the implications of my actions?

6. Is there laughter and fun in my life?

7. Do I take time to care about others? Do I feel cared for?

8. Is there a spark of adventure in my life?

9. Do I take time to explore whatever unseen, spiritual realms call to me?

And a nice video from youtube to share as well: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2bU8Gg6mRiU

What a difference a day makes.

I AM or I AM TRYING and I AM GOING TO BE! (gd luck trying alexiel!) 

Need to seriously constantly remind myself of my priorities and stop letting other matters distract me from what I SHOULD be doing. DAMN. 

Resolutions and promises to self are broken. (and so is my soul)

But it's okay the good thing is I can always make new ones again and again and again (and i guess i can always live without a soul)

Getting all pumped and revved about studying and I SHALL.

Ciao~

If anything I just feel that I am breaking down. Damage done to the heart brain soul and physical being is already 89%.

It has been such a long while that I can actually feel the weary and physical/emotional state of me breaking down, I can't even recall the last time when I felt this powerless and hopeless.

To me, I think the most important to life is you can't ever never lost hope. Once hope is lost there seems to be nothing to live for already.

And this is exactly what is happening to me right now.

These thoughts of suicide and ending my worthless life. I suddenly thought of the very existence of me and why is it still justified for survival till now. It sucks to be outcasted and left alone by yourself to slip into oblivion. Some are just evil others are mean while the rest are just subconsciously vile.

I see no reason for my existence and I am getting increasingly irritable by small and insignificant things. Sign that I'm seriously going into malfunction mood. Hope I won't shut down again like back in secondary school.

No, not that period. Please.

I AM SO DAMNED I KNOW LURHHHH!!!

Anyway, I am feeling soooo happy now just because of this HAHAHA. I've never had my mood turned 360degrees drastically in such a short time before!

Oh well.. haha. I just feel like smiling and laughing to myself for as long as this euphoria can last me. 

Ok, social awkwardness resumes so let me get back to writing what I wanted to pen down in the first place.

Alot of times I am feeling so angry and irritated and impatience with my mum but I don't know where did all these negativity steam from? I mean, sometimes she was just talking/not talking to me, called me on my cell, showing me concern, but I just felt...... angry. I can't possibly hate her cos she's like the best possible mum already, always cooking my favourite dishes when I whined and not scolding me when I promised her that I would help her wash up but in the end due to my inborn high state of inertia I didn't, and actually took the time to show me care and concern in her own subtle ways when she's also vexed and busy enough with her own work.

I don't mean it I don't want it I am always feeling guilty about it cause it happens most of the time but my EQ is not high enough to curb this bout of angst and exasperation towards her.

And I thought I am a good and filial daughter. Thinking that trying to ease their financial burden by trying to pay everything by myself, even my sis's future university fees, was enough as my duty as their daughter. But then I didn't know them the care and concern that they need. Plus my attitude towards them....

I guess I would be straight-out lying if I say I don't in the least bit resent my parents (resent may be too strong a word too but I don't think I seriously hate them..) Yes I have blamed them at some point for the way things turn out for me and how I am like now, and how they couldn't be better parents and taught me to become a much better person than I am now. But I realized this was just so wrong because no one is responsible for me except for myself. Only myself. However, they were still the one who created my existence and nurtured me weren't they. How can I separate them from the equation so easily then..

Anyway woe is me emo is me welschmerz is me. (sentimental pessimism. isn't it just so me?? haha)

A very disturbing thought: I think throughout my life I must have been so bored or at last have a high need for emotional drama if not I just explain why I think I am secretly enjoying my pessimism and depression episodes. 

on a side note: DAMNNNNNNN SHOULD HAVE GONE ACCORDING TO MY PLAN LAST NIGHT ABOUT DINNER JYJYJYDEARJY WHY DIDN'T U!!!!!!!!!! (in case I forget in the future I was scheming to get someone to help me da-bao dinner after class as I was staying in hall on friday night but then I thought of the many reasons why it would just make me seem creepy and stupid and bo liao so in the end I didn't but TURNS OUT IT MIGHT HAVE WORKED DAMNNNNNNNNNNNN. Naaaah just fussing around I don't think it would have worked too or at least to the way that I want it to HOHOHO

=.=.. I should seriously slapped myself HARD in the face. 

singing my hearts out whenever I want and know that I still sing well and with emotions!!! (but lately I realized I've been lacking emotions in my singing. Hmm..)

eating delicious high-class cakes and desserts~~

being able to eat all that I feel like eating without any gastronomic rapture

suddenly noticing the beauty of something which I haven't noticed before

seeing the cuteness and wonder of nature and animals

bullying my sister. HAHA

(Actually, seriously, nothing really struck my mind when I wanted to list down the things that make me happy. Happy. Happy. How does it feel in the first place?)

Has my heart became so infused and jaded with narcissistic thoughts and obsessions with the self that I remain numb to the happenings and well-being of the rest of the lowly human lives around me.

Ok first step to take: Stop addressing people as lowly human lives and instead worship them like how you worshiped Macs in the pas. EMBRACE EVERYONE WITH YOUR HEART! LIKE STRETCHING YOUR HEART AND WRAP THEM AROUND COVERED IN YOUR WARMTH. 

though I think they'll most likely die of coldness which is the nonchalant the whole of me. Besides, I don't have that much of a heart and it isn't as elastic as required! 

BAAH failed. =(

Not to mention the mindless smiling to yourself and laughing out loud to yourself while you're all alone in your hostel room, being entertained by *******. (HELLO NOT ANYTHING INDECENT LIKE PORN PLEASE)

Such a stalker I am. I admit. 

Actually I'd pretty much admit to anything as long as I can illegitimately-legitimately justify for my procrastination at finishing assignments and completing tasks on my to-do list. 

Anyway, highlight of the day: SHOOT! (Aww aww awwwwwww~~~~)

You don't have to aim for it I'll be more than willing to give it to you ^>^~

=.=. Wow. Thanks.

Of course it's always easier said than done. Talk is not even cheap. It's FREE. 

Anyway I just want to paste my conversation with her (actually nah I just wanna show off my words of wisdom here so that I can impress myself in the future when I reread my previous entries =D)

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A few years ago I was reflecting upon myself on my role as an elder sister to my baby sis, and then I realized I wasn't being a very one at all. In fact, I'M BAD! Till now when I recalled how I used to treat her and my family and friends I can still feel the pain in my heart. Especially to my sis, cause I know due to my selfishness I had caused her some deep emotional pain during her childhood. And this will haunt me forever no matter how hard I try to make it up to her.

And then I had always grumbled about how I want an elder sister myself so that I can have someone to rely upon and to guide me along life. Then I realized how come I am not doing the very same thing for my sis? And I 'sort of' resolved to be her guiding lamp and try my best to be there for her whenever she needs help.

Cause when I was at her stage of life back then that was what I wanted, or even, needed the most. Of course I don't have an elder sister and I guess I screwed up my sec school life pretty much, but then I am still ever so grateful for my friends that I made in AHS for staying by my side and showing me so much patience, tolerance, care and concern all these while till now. I still can't figure out how much blessed I am to be able to have these friends. Although I never say these to you girls, you people who always treated me as your friend even though I treated you all so badly, I am eternally grateful for your friendship and tolerance that you wonderful girls have shown me. I don't think I deserve you girls at all, seriously. (These words are like so true of the truest words deep from my heart and how I wish you know how grateful I am for you girls! No over-exaggerating or sarcastic-ness here at all!)

Ok this is such a long post. Even I feel giddy reading. Guess there's no deny that I'm getting old and getting naggier and naggier. OOPS =P

Everyday in school I just wanna lock myself up hide in my blanket and don't wish to have any kind of human interaction at all. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!?!?!?!?!

I am dreading it so much that I just wanna skip all activities and tried to use my studies to justify for my anti-social behaviour but then I know I'm not really studying at all =.=

Piles and piles of homework deadline and studies to catch up to. The items on my to-do list are increasing faster than I can complete them. 

HOW HOW WHAT TO DO?!?! I really wanted to finish today's agenda but I just can't seem to concentrate and sit down and do the and time's seriously running out and I feel like skipping the dinner later and just go out and shop!!

And yesterday I suddenly had this GREAT realization while trying to find someone to shop with me today: IT SEEMS LIKE IN UNIVERSITY I'VE BEEN HANGING OUT AND CONTACTING THESE USUAL FEW PEOPLE AND I HAVEN'T MADE ANY NEW FRIENDS YET!!! *panic panic panic*

I'm just not in the mood of any kind to go socialize and pretend or make any effort to be nice and kind to anyone and open up and try to establish any friendship with them. 

I'm too comfortable within my comfort zone and being around these few people that I know in the past.

And I'm too uncomfortable and unwilling to talk to anyone whom I am not familiar with. Of course you can say, talk more to them and you'll become more familiar with them. But then I'm not feeling familiar enough with them to even want to talk to them in the first place! See where I am coming from?

I guess I'm just too wrapped up in my own little world to care about anything else. What a selfish person that I am and I am hating it. But then I can't bring myself to be generous too. Wth?

If not then I am just too damn contented with whatever few that I have now to bother about anything else.

Talk about personal growth and becoming a better person. The way I see it, I'm going down to the other end of the spectrum instead. 

Screwed up. I'm so screwed up. My life is so fucked up and I can't find any remedies for it. Or am I secretly enjoying fucking up my life? 

I feel like dropping out of school. Or at least I see no point in pursuing my studies in whatever shit that I am doing now. A degree suddenly seem so minute and faraway considering what I have on my mind right now.

I only know if I continue to be like this then this will just be secondary school all over again, with regrets regrets and more regrets. When will I ever learn to appreciate and enjoy myself as a student in school life?

I am slowly (and picking up pace on the way) becoming the very kind of person that I don't want to ever be.

Need a drag, and booze. But seriously deep in my heart I don't want these at all. And I really have no idea why am I feeling so fucked and screwed up about my life. 

I want a life that I am not having I want to be someone that I am not being I want to have a mind that's not mine.

Seems like all I want was to be someone other than myself

(I want to ask you out, trust me, I really do, and I really do like you alot. But then I wonder if I'm only on your to-be-nice-to-because-it-would-be-mean-if-I-am-not list. Of the million thoughts that occur to you everyday I bet I don't even make the top 5 million ones. Hmm. Damn my heart.)

How can I feel lost when I don't have any choices to choose from or anywhere to go to?

Save me from my own world.

(Cause how are you supposed to save yourself? And how do you expect people to save you when you don't even let anyone into your world in the first place? If you're just hoping for someone to come along and pry out your heart and save you from your own disillusion, perhaps knitting sweaters would be a much easier thing to do.?

Sometimes the truth makes everything seems like a lie.